The Perimeter

Had another one today which made the blood evacuate from my head, my stomach come up to my throat, i felt weak, i thought i was going to faint, then suddenly i could feel my blood rushing through my body and feel my heartbeat in my ears and i thought i was going to throw up. My body started to shake, and my breath grew rapid. I felt like i was in slow motion as i very carefully put one foot in front of the other and walked to my car and sat down in the seat. But I wasn't ready to drive yet. What caused this incredible reaction was an emotional trigger of very intense emotional pain, caused by betrayal. I will also admit the circumstance made me realize I am vain, and rather sad at the cold hard fact of what is, and what will never be. However, that in itself, is a confusing mystery. It hints at what is and what could be, what seems like, what is. We coast along, happy-happy-happy.... we're broke as hell...but we're reasonably content Then WHAM! A Christmas card arri...

Was at a party saturday night. There was a tray of flatbread roll-ups with cream cheese, cranberries and pecans on a side table. There were three people standing next to the table talking, one with their back turned to me. It never occurred to me that if i took a piece of food off that plate, that i would be judged... and in such a hateful manner. This man leans over at me and says "Excuse me are we in your way, and did you take anything from this plate yet?" (pointing to a huge plate of desserts, which i didn't want) I looked at him, rather stunned, then I managed to say "These are delicious." "I bet they are," he says. "But I don't think they're very slimming!" He slams at me with a disgusted look on his face, and goes back to talking to the two people. Wow. Just wow. I choked down the last swallow as I feel the tears well up in my eyes. I go in the bathroom. I bite my lip. I take a tissue and wet it, and press it agai...

really just so damn tired of having to barely get by on old vehicles, old clothes and old computers - stalling the bill collectors, stalling, stalling...i feel like my life is stalling..