Tis the Season of triggers..
Had another one today which made the blood evacuate from my head, my stomach come up to my throat, i felt weak, i thought i was going to faint, then suddenly i could feel my blood rushing through my body and feel my heartbeat in my ears and i thought i was going to throw up. My body started to shake, and my breath grew rapid. I felt like i was in slow motion as i very carefully put one foot in front of the other and walked to my car and sat down in the seat. But I wasn't ready to drive yet.
What caused this incredible reaction was an emotional trigger of very intense emotional pain, caused by betrayal. I will also admit the circumstance made me realize I am vain, and rather sad at the cold hard fact of what is, and what will never be.
However, that in itself, is a confusing mystery. It hints at what is and what could be, what seems like, what is. We coast along, happy-happy-happy.... we're broke as hell...but we're reasonably content
Then WHAM! A Christmas card arrives.
From her.
His name in red ink, a heart over the "i" in his name, reminds me that this person is a girl half my age, and rubs that fact in further. She has a pretty body, a pretty face, youth. All of which I lack.
Not a line on her face. Not a wrinkle. Not a stretch mark.
She wears the cool clothes, and the talks cool language everyone speaks. "Oh noes."
There are no last names. Just his first name in red. With the heart over the "i" in his name.
Her cute little name (even her fake last name is missing) it goes with her cute little self.
She's moved back to the city, I guess.
When I can finally breathe and see again, I feel like coming home and kicking him out and telling him to go live with her if that's what he really wants, go live with her in her shitty little downtown apartment sharing a bathroom with the other apartments, with her 6 druggie friends in the downtown noise and chaos if he thinks that he would be happier. Live with the flaky, unstable life of the twenty-something druggie, hipster, party, music festival goers.
I want to scream and rage, and call him a cheap, freeloading, lying fucker of a manchild and kick all his shit out the window down to the snow two floors below.
But I can't. I won't.
I really do love him. I care for him deeply.
If I kick him out, he has nowhere to go.
He has no money.
My daughter does not need to see her momma freak out like that.
He's good to her.
He's good to me too.
I just don't like the memory of what happenned a year ago. The lies. The betrayal. The outright financial swindling. The depression. The over-drinking. I had taken it really hard. He led me to believe he loved me, just me.. he led me to believe we were building something beautiful, magical and creative, foraging forward for our little family.. despite all the hardships we were enduring financially, we were building something to make it end, to be successful together... to build on and on...
But then i found out he was telling her he wanted to build a life with her... she said he was her boyfriend.
He told me he hated relationships and all their bullshit.
So I said, then what are you doing in one?
He told me "he just didn't feel it, and he was sorry"
Then in late February he said he wanted to stay, that he did "like me".
Then in September, I noticed she posted something on his fb wall. He quickly covered it and said "oh I'll send you that" - it was a cute animal video
Hmm? How could they be friends? I hover over her name and it says "2 mutual friends: DRTH and ISG
I go to his page. Her post is not there. Weird.
So, I ask my friend if she can see it, .. and she can.
DAMN.
He's hiding her from me.
Why?
So why does he stay?
It can't really be because he's a freeloader who's using me is it? Tell me its not. We have fun. We get along great. He gives me great hugs and great backrubs. He cooks dinner. He does the dishes. He brings in wood. He shovels the snow. He even takes out the garbage, ffs ;-)
He paid about half to help me buy my daughter a wonderful Xmas present i could never have afforded by myself.
Why does he hide his involvement with her?
Why does she write his name in red and dot the "i" in his name with a heart?
Why does he stay?
What caused this incredible reaction was an emotional trigger of very intense emotional pain, caused by betrayal. I will also admit the circumstance made me realize I am vain, and rather sad at the cold hard fact of what is, and what will never be.
However, that in itself, is a confusing mystery. It hints at what is and what could be, what seems like, what is. We coast along, happy-happy-happy.... we're broke as hell...but we're reasonably content
Then WHAM! A Christmas card arrives.
From her.
His name in red ink, a heart over the "i" in his name, reminds me that this person is a girl half my age, and rubs that fact in further. She has a pretty body, a pretty face, youth. All of which I lack.
Not a line on her face. Not a wrinkle. Not a stretch mark.
She wears the cool clothes, and the talks cool language everyone speaks. "Oh noes."
There are no last names. Just his first name in red. With the heart over the "i" in his name.
Her cute little name (even her fake last name is missing) it goes with her cute little self.
She's moved back to the city, I guess.
When I can finally breathe and see again, I feel like coming home and kicking him out and telling him to go live with her if that's what he really wants, go live with her in her shitty little downtown apartment sharing a bathroom with the other apartments, with her 6 druggie friends in the downtown noise and chaos if he thinks that he would be happier. Live with the flaky, unstable life of the twenty-something druggie, hipster, party, music festival goers.
I want to scream and rage, and call him a cheap, freeloading, lying fucker of a manchild and kick all his shit out the window down to the snow two floors below.
But I can't. I won't.
I really do love him. I care for him deeply.
If I kick him out, he has nowhere to go.
He has no money.
My daughter does not need to see her momma freak out like that.
He's good to her.
He's good to me too.
I just don't like the memory of what happenned a year ago. The lies. The betrayal. The outright financial swindling. The depression. The over-drinking. I had taken it really hard. He led me to believe he loved me, just me.. he led me to believe we were building something beautiful, magical and creative, foraging forward for our little family.. despite all the hardships we were enduring financially, we were building something to make it end, to be successful together... to build on and on...
But then i found out he was telling her he wanted to build a life with her... she said he was her boyfriend.
He told me he hated relationships and all their bullshit.
So I said, then what are you doing in one?
He told me "he just didn't feel it, and he was sorry"
Then in late February he said he wanted to stay, that he did "like me".
Then in September, I noticed she posted something on his fb wall. He quickly covered it and said "oh I'll send you that" - it was a cute animal video
Hmm? How could they be friends? I hover over her name and it says "2 mutual friends: DRTH and ISG
I go to his page. Her post is not there. Weird.
So, I ask my friend if she can see it, .. and she can.
DAMN.
He's hiding her from me.
Why?
So why does he stay?
It can't really be because he's a freeloader who's using me is it? Tell me its not. We have fun. We get along great. He gives me great hugs and great backrubs. He cooks dinner. He does the dishes. He brings in wood. He shovels the snow. He even takes out the garbage, ffs ;-)
He paid about half to help me buy my daughter a wonderful Xmas present i could never have afforded by myself.
Why does he hide his involvement with her?
Why does she write his name in red and dot the "i" in his name with a heart?
Why does he stay?
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