The Perimeter

 of feeling sorry for myself, yep So what if I'm in physical and emotional pain, living in poverty, with no prospects or hope for any better future when there's a war on over in Europe? I mean, who am I to feel bad about my situation? I'm ashamed of myself. I'm not homeless, even if the home I have has a leaking roof with water dripping in several places. I can't use my bathtub, my toilets don't flush properly, and I'm about to run out of firewood, and March has barely begun. I want to escape the home situation and go visit my daughter, but I don't know if my car would make it or not cause I hear a noise like something's going to fall off of it, and I think I can smell engine coolant, so likely there's a leak, and it will blow over the Cobequid mountains for sure. I want to call the mechanic, but I'm afraid of bursting into tears on the phone I also want to call my daughter but I'm afraid of bursting into tears on the phone She's got ...

 Still feeling very down, and tonight I wondered what the process was for medically assisted dying.  I know at first they would say no, because I have Bipolar disorder, and anxiety. However, it says if you have physical things wrong too, you could apply and be considered. Seeing as how I do have physical things wrong too, and those physical things contribute to my unhappiness and create a less than desirable quality of life, I think its only fair that I be considered. Next thing I wondered about cremation. I don't need to saddle anyone with the cost of disposing of my useless body, and its so useless I doubt I have organs that could be donated either. I know my liver is shot, my brain is a train wreck, and a few other less than desirable parts are no good to anyone either. hmm.. my eyes maybe? Or not, cause I wear bifocals? I don't know, I will have to research it. And then there's the tricky part. Do I tell anybody, or do I just do this and let them find out after? The doc...

 I felt like I was at the end of my tether. Figuratively, and literally. I spent most of the day in bed, crying and snoring, just unable to haul myself off the bed and try to face the day at all. I'm so tired, so just absolutely exhausted of trying to hold it all together, and my keep my shit in a pile without losing it, that I just reached a breaking point today, and when the suicidal thoughts came, as they usually do, I not only considered them, but I acted on them. Except, it didn't work, or I wouldn't be typing this. So I'm laying in bed, thinking about how my life has completely gone to shit in so many ways, and how I don't know how to fix it, and I wondered if I should call 911 or not, and actually admit to myself that I feel that bad. I usually feel really shameful when I feel that bad. I can hear my mother's words in my head telling me that its the coward's way out, or suicide is a cop-out, or something along those lines and I'm so filled with gu...

 Having a super bad pain day today. The kind that makes me feel useless and feel like I will never be useful again. The kind of day where I need help, and I hate asking for it. The kind of day where I know why old people are grumpy, if they are in this much pain every single day, then its no bloody wonder they're grumpy. Current pain level as I write this, is about a 5 or 6, but this morning, it was more like 7-8. List of complaints for the day:  I feel like my knees are made of glass, and my left knee is swollen Lower back where I twisted my spine: feels how I would imagine the tin man in the Wizard of Oz, and he needs some oil on his joints. Bending is painful, and add the glass feeling there too. Upper back from shoulder blades up is stiff, shoulders and neck are stiff, arms from elbows to wrists  hurt, hands from knuckles to fingertips hurt. I probably shouldn't be typing, but I need to purge my addled brain, as I woke up thinking about this, and hamster was having a ...

  I am writing to you today as a follow up to an appointment I had with you in your office 3 years ago this month, when you told me I would be in a wheelchair by now. Dr.. D., you probably don't remember me, but you sure made an impact on me that day. I went to my appointment with you full of anticipation and hope. It had taken approximately a year and a half from the time I first saw Dr. C. W. at the clinic in M with severe pain and swelling in my right knee. I did a follow up appt with Dr. S. A, my then family doctor (since 1995 -- I am NOT an addict), who referred me to you. I've had pain in my knees since I was a teenager. I'm now 56 years old. When I was a child back in the 70's I was involved in figure skating, gymnastics, baton twirling and dance in addition to riding my bike just about everywhere I needed to go. At age 13 I tore the cartilage in my knee ice skating, and then did it again at age 16 landing a cartwheel roundoff combination wrong. At age 21, I agai...

It has come to my attention that I supposedly posted "something negative about the Society"  on the auction. I do not recall doing such a thing. Furthermore, Why would I? This will be my 16th summer at SJ. In all those years, I have loved working there, learning so much from B, and representing the Society at dozens of paid and unpaid venues. As you know, I work very hard at what I do, and I work a lot of unpaid hours gathering material, researching information, learning new techniques, work prep and our fb page. Wherever I go, when appropriate of course, I tell people about our place and what we do.    I'm rather insulted that "someone" would say such a thing. Why didn't this "someone" talk to me directly about this? At the time it happened? Instead of this "someone told someone, that someone told someone and that someone told me" junior high school foolishness. If that "someone" is referring to my conversation with PKP about t...