The Perimeter

 of feeling sorry for myself, yep So what if I'm in physical and emotional pain, living in poverty, with no prospects or hope for any better future when there's a war on over in Europe? I mean, who am I to feel bad about my situation? I'm ashamed of myself. I'm not homeless, even if the home I have has a leaking roof with water dripping in several places. I can't use my bathtub, my toilets don't flush properly, and I'm about to run out of firewood, and March has barely begun. I want to escape the home situation and go visit my daughter, but I don't know if my car would make it or not cause I hear a noise like something's going to fall off of it, and I think I can smell engine coolant, so likely there's a leak, and it will blow over the Cobequid mountains for sure. I want to call the mechanic, but I'm afraid of bursting into tears on the phone I also want to call my daughter but I'm afraid of bursting into tears on the phone She's got ...

 Still feeling very down, and tonight I wondered what the process was for medically assisted dying.  I know at first they would say no, because I have Bipolar disorder, and anxiety. However, it says if you have physical things wrong too, you could apply and be considered. Seeing as how I do have physical things wrong too, and those physical things contribute to my unhappiness and create a less than desirable quality of life, I think its only fair that I be considered. Next thing I wondered about cremation. I don't need to saddle anyone with the cost of disposing of my useless body, and its so useless I doubt I have organs that could be donated either. I know my liver is shot, my brain is a train wreck, and a few other less than desirable parts are no good to anyone either. hmm.. my eyes maybe? Or not, cause I wear bifocals? I don't know, I will have to research it. And then there's the tricky part. Do I tell anybody, or do I just do this and let them find out after? The doc...

 I felt like I was at the end of my tether. Figuratively, and literally. I spent most of the day in bed, crying and snoring, just unable to haul myself off the bed and try to face the day at all. I'm so tired, so just absolutely exhausted of trying to hold it all together, and my keep my shit in a pile without losing it, that I just reached a breaking point today, and when the suicidal thoughts came, as they usually do, I not only considered them, but I acted on them. Except, it didn't work, or I wouldn't be typing this. So I'm laying in bed, thinking about how my life has completely gone to shit in so many ways, and how I don't know how to fix it, and I wondered if I should call 911 or not, and actually admit to myself that I feel that bad. I usually feel really shameful when I feel that bad. I can hear my mother's words in my head telling me that its the coward's way out, or suicide is a cop-out, or something along those lines and I'm so filled with gu...