Weighted Blankets, etc

 Having a super bad pain day today. The kind that makes me feel useless and feel like I will never be useful again. The kind of day where I need help, and I hate asking for it. The kind of day where I know why old people are grumpy, if they are in this much pain every single day, then its no bloody wonder they're grumpy.

Current pain level as I write this, is about a 5 or 6, but this morning, it was more like 7-8. List of complaints for the day: 

I feel like my knees are made of glass, and my left knee is swollen

Lower back where I twisted my spine: feels how I would imagine the tin man in the Wizard of Oz, and he needs some oil on his joints. Bending is painful, and add the glass feeling there too.

Upper back from shoulder blades up is stiff, shoulders and neck are stiff, arms from elbows to wrists  hurt, hands from knuckles to fingertips hurt. I probably shouldn't be typing, but I need to purge my addled brain, as I woke up thinking about this, and hamster was having a field day too. So I type a sentence or two, and then rest, and stretch.

Today, the pain was just too much, and I couldn't push through it (sorry, Mom) and I went back to bed. I couldn't even make my bed myself, so my friend helped me. After the flannel sheets were on, he put a quilt, a dense fleece blanket, a wool blanket and an acrylic blanket. I have two body pillows and two regular size pillows I put around me. All of this weight on me, is probably about the same as having one of those weighted blankets, and it helps me feel like I'm being cuddled, feeling safe and secure.

I have been sleeping alone since December 6, 2010. 11 years. You would think I would be used to it by now, but I'm not. Sometimes I like it, but when I don't feel good, I really wish I had someone to cuddle me, scritch my back and shoulders, play with my hair and help me relax. 

I'm so ashamed of this fact, it brings up strong emotions, and it makes me cry.

As a chronically ill person, I know I'm not worthy of being loved and cared about. I know that. Husbands don't like it when you're sick and can't cook, clean up after them and have sex on demand. They roll their eyes when you ask for help. They tell you you're needy. They tell you how pathetic you are. They tell you that you need help, all the while not offering that help.

The price of having someone to cuddle me is just too great.

There should be professional cuddlers who don't judge, belittle and insult,  just shut up and cuddle.

Don't be disgusted by my fat body with its limitations, or complain cause I can't do this or that today. Just cuddle me. Help me feel relaxed and cared about.

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