Still feeling it

 Still feeling very down, and tonight I wondered what the process was for medically assisted dying. 

I know at first they would say no, because I have Bipolar disorder, and anxiety. However, it says if you have physical things wrong too, you could apply and be considered. Seeing as how I do have physical things wrong too, and those physical things contribute to my unhappiness and create a less than desirable quality of life, I think its only fair that I be considered.

Next thing I wondered about cremation. I don't need to saddle anyone with the cost of disposing of my useless body, and its so useless I doubt I have organs that could be donated either. I know my liver is shot, my brain is a train wreck, and a few other less than desirable parts are no good to anyone either. hmm.. my eyes maybe? Or not, cause I wear bifocals? I don't know, I will have to research it.

And then there's the tricky part. Do I tell anybody, or do I just do this and let them find out after? The doctor could let them know.

I would like to ask my daughter if she would hold my hand while it happens, so I can feel loved in my final moments, but that's a big thing to ask her, and a horrible memory for her to have. So I think that would be rather selfish of me to ask that, so I won't. Perhaps its best I don't tell her either. 

Maybe the best thing to do would be to do it at home in my bed, and just have my dog on the bed with me. I know he will miss me after I'm gone, cause I watched how Dad's dog was after he died. However, I also know that he knows all my sads, and how much I hurt physically and emotionally nearly every day, and he won't judge me for ending my life.

I really do not see any way out of this. The dX will be there for the rest of my life. I will always have pain, and always be limited from living a full life because of physical and emotional pain, and the trauma I endured. I can't properly provide for myself, and I really don't see any other options,

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