21 Reasons to Kill Myself.

Haven't written reasons for suicide in a very, very long time, but here goes..

1. Debt. Every day i have collection agencies calling me. this has been going on for about 5 years now? when did the bastard leave for the second time? december '09? okay, yes, FIVE years. WHEN do they stop calling? when i'm dead? and if am dead, then who do they bug about it? i owe about $3500

2. Survival. 20 years ago i was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder -- Rapid Cycles and Mixed States. Not long after two hospital stays in the psychiatric ward and being stigmatized at work, i was put on Canada Disability Pension. it is not enough to provide the basic essentials for my daughter and i. in this country they consider the poverty line at $22K a year, my pension is less than half that.

3. Depression/hypomania/mixed states results in i am unloveable. i ruin family and romantic relationships and friendships. i've been divorced twice now.

i have the most wonderful daughter in the world and she deserves a way better mother, and way better life

i just found out she needs braces on her teeth because 2 of her teeth are transposed, one of which is turned 90 degrees, plus her upper teeth are settling into her bottom teeth and this affects her bite.  if this doesn't get fixed now, she will have pain and need jaw surgery later, she also has an overbite, and tooth crowding .. braces cost around $6,000 and my annual income is just under $10,000

.... we live in a house that is paid for, but my property tax and water bills are in arrears. it is also hard to heat. i put the house up for sale and it was on the market for THREE years and we did not get one offer on it, so we're stuck here.

.....my doggie, bless her furry heart, and the true, unconditional love she gives me,  has a growth in her mouth, and i can't afford to take her to the vet to find out about it

....i am unconventional, and not what society expects a woman to be, which absolutely repulses me. i don't live to be attractive to a man, i'm deeper than my looks,  i have few female friends because of this, and i do not date

.. my youngest brother hates me,  and hasn't communicated with me for 5 years, and that was at our father's funeral, so does it count? i don't know

... my other brother died 16 years ago, and i wish it was me who died instead -- he was an amazing young man with lots going for him, and i am just a useless reject taking up space

. speaking of rejects....my little red truck has a rejected safety inspection on it and i can't afford the repair. we are stuck 15 mins drive away from a grocery store, drug store and 45 mins away from my doctor's office

.... my 2nd ex-husband hates me so much, that he uses our daughter to get to me, and refuses to provide anything for her but is very generous with his new family

... in addition to having bipolar disorder, i also have ADD and i'm on the Autism disorder spectrum, i likely have Asperger's - i have some abrupt, intermittent short term memory loss from taking Haldol, Halcion, and gawd knows what other drugs i took 20 years ago caused it

 i have skills in textile design and creation, but i am a failure at selling them

---- i have an IQ of 138 but what the fuck good is it

i am very frustrated by the fact that if you're a nice person, you get the shitty end of the stick, while all the crooked people are the ones who get ahead in life === that no matter what i do, or give, its not enough to be treated properly
      for instance:::: i vend at a local weekly market, and the managers from the past year have been the most inconsiderate, dismissing, lie to my face, give me the runaround, disrespectful  arseholes! i've been a vendor at the market for 10 years. i even served on the board for the previous two. i have done countless hours of volunteer work for this market.. but what has it gotten me, nothing but disgard, disrespect and bullshit.

. i haven't been able to buy enough wood for the winter yet, and i don't have enough money for oil at the same time

there's wood sitting next to the driveway

 i bought a second-hand computer, but after 2 weeks it stopped working and it cost me $90 to get it fixed, then 3 days later it stopped again. i am angry at myself for wasting the money on it

 can't afford to fix the dishwasher, which doesn't rinse properly

 can't afford to fix the clothes washer, which doesn't rinse the clothes properly

 can't afford to fix the lawn mower, which sometimes doesn't start

can't afford to fix my daughter's bike, her front brakes are shot, and she's outgrown it anyway and i can't afford to buy her a new one

 the stove we cook on seems to be going on the blink, and i can't afford to fix that either

 i am fat
    and i have been on a million diets. i went raw food nearly 3 years ago, gradually going to vegetarian and i found out 6 months ago that my cholesterol was high anyway

 i  have saggy skin from where i lost weight the last 3 years

 i let my guard down and fell in love with a man who doesn't want me




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