Self Harm
Is a weird thing.
I've done it since I was a teenager, and now I'm almost 53 years old, and I think I'm just starting to figure out WHY I do it.
I used to think of my zits, flybites, scabs and especially the callouses on my feet as imperfections, and I figured if I picked at them and made them go away, they would be better somehow. Which is odd, cause when I pick at them, I actually make them worse. I sometimes even make them bleed.
As I write this, I have 4 bleeding spots on my left foot. My left foot has been a target of my self-harm behaviors the most I think. It has always been more calloused and ugly than my right. I first started believing my feet were ugly when I used to get ingrown toenails on my big toes on both feet all the time from shoes that were too small. I remember having growth spurts as a child. I was a big kid. I was targeted, insulted and bullied as fat, but when I look back at myself, I wasn't fat at all, I was just a big-framed, tall kid. I was an athletic kid. Anyway, these growth spurts resulted in me having shirts that were too tight and embarassingly too short, sleeves that were too short, and pant legs that were too short. Also resulted in shoes that were too tight, and hence the ingrown toenails. Sore, painful, bleeding and infected ingrown toenails, that would make my big toes so swollen that sometimes I couldn't wear my shoes.
I remember how painful those toenails were. I had them removed four times, and then finally permanently removed, because my big toes are curved inward, so whenever the toenail would grow back, I would end up with an ingrown toenail. To get your toenails permanently removed when you're 12 years old was huge. I became very self-conscious about my feet, and refused to wear open-toe shoes after that. I don't think I could wear them or let anyone other than my family see my feet until I was in my 40's. I wore socks on the hottest days of summer, socks in sneakers. Hot. Uncomfortable. But kept my ugly feet hidden.
When I look back on this now, as a parent myself, I can only feel that this was another way my parents neglected me. I can remember my mother saying "I just bought you new shoes 2 months ago, how could you need new shoes". I had a growth spurt, that's why I needed new shoes. My own daughter went through this. She grew 3 sizes in 6 months, and has the stretch marks to prove it. And when she needed them, I got her new shoes. I didn't want her to get ingrown toenails.
Anyway, back to my self-harm. It seems to happen the worst when I am reminded of what I lack. I could be watching a show, or even reading a book and real love, or what i perceive as real love, when someone actually gives a damn about a person in an unselfish way. And i feel the urge to hurt myself. To break my skin, to make myself bleed. Just now I was watching a show and I had tears streaming down my face as the characters cared about each other, truly loved each other, and I was distractedly spacing out and picking at my foot. Crying my eyes out. I crave that kind of love. But I know I can't have it. My own parents taught me I was unworthy of that kind of love.
I've been divorced twice. The second time was much more painful than the first. To this day my mother doesn't want me to be in a relationship. She doesn't even like my dog. Why would you get another dog she said after my previous dog died.
Gee, I don't know.. cause I need a little companion to love me. I need someone to tell my little secrets too, and to lick the tears off my face when I cry. I need a warm body to cuddle into at night, cause the pillows sometimes don't cut it. Sorry I'm so needy.
The dog I chose was a needy dog who was neglected, who had birth defects, who was rejected because of his breed. I wanted to give him the love that I wish someone could give me.
I've done it since I was a teenager, and now I'm almost 53 years old, and I think I'm just starting to figure out WHY I do it.
I used to think of my zits, flybites, scabs and especially the callouses on my feet as imperfections, and I figured if I picked at them and made them go away, they would be better somehow. Which is odd, cause when I pick at them, I actually make them worse. I sometimes even make them bleed.
As I write this, I have 4 bleeding spots on my left foot. My left foot has been a target of my self-harm behaviors the most I think. It has always been more calloused and ugly than my right. I first started believing my feet were ugly when I used to get ingrown toenails on my big toes on both feet all the time from shoes that were too small. I remember having growth spurts as a child. I was a big kid. I was targeted, insulted and bullied as fat, but when I look back at myself, I wasn't fat at all, I was just a big-framed, tall kid. I was an athletic kid. Anyway, these growth spurts resulted in me having shirts that were too tight and embarassingly too short, sleeves that were too short, and pant legs that were too short. Also resulted in shoes that were too tight, and hence the ingrown toenails. Sore, painful, bleeding and infected ingrown toenails, that would make my big toes so swollen that sometimes I couldn't wear my shoes.
I remember how painful those toenails were. I had them removed four times, and then finally permanently removed, because my big toes are curved inward, so whenever the toenail would grow back, I would end up with an ingrown toenail. To get your toenails permanently removed when you're 12 years old was huge. I became very self-conscious about my feet, and refused to wear open-toe shoes after that. I don't think I could wear them or let anyone other than my family see my feet until I was in my 40's. I wore socks on the hottest days of summer, socks in sneakers. Hot. Uncomfortable. But kept my ugly feet hidden.
When I look back on this now, as a parent myself, I can only feel that this was another way my parents neglected me. I can remember my mother saying "I just bought you new shoes 2 months ago, how could you need new shoes". I had a growth spurt, that's why I needed new shoes. My own daughter went through this. She grew 3 sizes in 6 months, and has the stretch marks to prove it. And when she needed them, I got her new shoes. I didn't want her to get ingrown toenails.
Anyway, back to my self-harm. It seems to happen the worst when I am reminded of what I lack. I could be watching a show, or even reading a book and real love, or what i perceive as real love, when someone actually gives a damn about a person in an unselfish way. And i feel the urge to hurt myself. To break my skin, to make myself bleed. Just now I was watching a show and I had tears streaming down my face as the characters cared about each other, truly loved each other, and I was distractedly spacing out and picking at my foot. Crying my eyes out. I crave that kind of love. But I know I can't have it. My own parents taught me I was unworthy of that kind of love.
I've been divorced twice. The second time was much more painful than the first. To this day my mother doesn't want me to be in a relationship. She doesn't even like my dog. Why would you get another dog she said after my previous dog died.
Gee, I don't know.. cause I need a little companion to love me. I need someone to tell my little secrets too, and to lick the tears off my face when I cry. I need a warm body to cuddle into at night, cause the pillows sometimes don't cut it. Sorry I'm so needy.
The dog I chose was a needy dog who was neglected, who had birth defects, who was rejected because of his breed. I wanted to give him the love that I wish someone could give me.
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