Wish We Could Really Talk
and then I would ask you why you don't have any compassion for my illnesses. Why you always have to "one up" me. Why you always say such invalidating things like "it could be worse". My pain is not a competition. Its just my pain. I want you to acknowledge it exists! Why can't you do that?! Why do you always have to diminish it, dismiss it and deny it. Why do you always have to compare my pain to someone else's and then say "and then they were fine". I am not them!
Why is it when I get brave enough to tell you how I'm really feeling, you say "don't dwell on it".
Why can't you ever say you're sorry I'm sick, and you hope I feel better. Or something along those lines to show that you actually give a shit.
Why are you so against me having a dog? People think I'm a hero for rescuing this poor dog who was on death's door TWICE, and you don't even want to give him a chance? You say you don't like his breed. Its not even his breed, he's a cross-breed! You say you're afraid of him, but you don't even want to get to know him! He's such a sweet dog, and he loves me, he loves crazy, fat, grey-haired me. You can't stand that anything loves me! Even when I slobber and ugly cry, my dog still loves me. I've told him things I can't even begin to tell you. I can't have a boyfriend, but I can have a dog.
Why must you put down things I need? I need a tool to make it easier to do my work, and right away you complain about it and say why I shouldn't get it. I need to up my game financially, cause no one's going to rescue me. Things are changing rapidly here, and I need to do the best I can or I'm going to end up fucking homeless.
Why must you put down things I want? I can't even buy a fucking scented candle without feeling guilty that I should put that $10 towards my household bills.
Why do you judge my friend so much on his appearance after telling me for years that its whats inside that counts?!!!!!!!! My friend have been so good to me since he's been here, and he doesn't give me any shit, and he's been here 5 1/2 years and he's not sick of me yet! He actually helps me when I'm in pain! Imagine that! You, nor other people who claimed they loved me only criticised me when I'm in pain, and my friend brings me tea, brings me a foot bath, tucks me in, rubs my back and helps talk me through things when I can't cope. Is that so bloody awful?! Can you not stand it that someone's being nice to me?
Why, oh why did you have to say over and over that this latest health issue was arthritis and you wouldn't let me talk and explain, but just kept interrupting me and saying "is it arthritis? is it arthritis?"....... so now we know its not arthritis, and now you have nothing to say?!!
Why don't you want me to be in a relationship? Do you have any clue how much I really miss being loved? How much I miss loving someone? How much I wish I had someone to cuddle into at night? Let alone to go out and enjoy myself with. Someone who would actually take me out of house and buy me dinner? Is that so awful? Someone to help support me, cause even if you hate to admit it, I need support. I need emotional, spiritual, physical and financial support. I don't have it. I'm afraid to even seek it. Why? Because of you and your judgements!
My heart is breaking into little pieces because my best friend is dying and you don't care about that either!
I can't just pick up the phone and call you, cause you don't listen to me. You argue with your partner, or are watching a tv show, or on the computer, or there's people there or whatever. You stay on the phone even when I say I can tell you're busy I'll just go, but you don't pay attention to me. Why..
Sometimes all I can do is sit and space out from all this hurt. I hear your voice being mean. I hear you saying things to me from the past, over and over, with such utter disgust in your voice. I re-live the time you slapped my face at the gym. I re-read the email you sent me two days after my life and my daughter's life was threatened, when we flew to the other side of the country to be safe, when you told me you were going through your own shit, and were sorry you didn't feel very sympathetic to my situation. I re-hear the words you said when I told you I was going to become a mother. I hear you complaining about my weight at various ages in my life. I hear you telling me "why can't you be more like "...."....IT WON'T STOP!!!!!!!!! I wish it would fucking stop. But short of a lobotomy, I don't know how. I've been in therapy for 25 years and this stuff still doesn't stop!!!!!!!
I also don't know why this bothers me so much. Why I haven't learned by now that this is the way it is. This is the way you are. Things are never going to change.
So how do I purge this? How do I deal with it?
I'm back in therapy. I'm sick again.
I keep all this bottled up, and sometimes its gotta spew.
And I can't talk to you, because, somehow, you'll make this about you.
How you've been so hard done by, and did the best you can, and how hard it was, and how horrible you were and all that stuff, not ONCE acknowledging my pain. Not ONCE.
Why is it when I get brave enough to tell you how I'm really feeling, you say "don't dwell on it".
Why can't you ever say you're sorry I'm sick, and you hope I feel better. Or something along those lines to show that you actually give a shit.
Why are you so against me having a dog? People think I'm a hero for rescuing this poor dog who was on death's door TWICE, and you don't even want to give him a chance? You say you don't like his breed. Its not even his breed, he's a cross-breed! You say you're afraid of him, but you don't even want to get to know him! He's such a sweet dog, and he loves me, he loves crazy, fat, grey-haired me. You can't stand that anything loves me! Even when I slobber and ugly cry, my dog still loves me. I've told him things I can't even begin to tell you. I can't have a boyfriend, but I can have a dog.
Why must you put down things I need? I need a tool to make it easier to do my work, and right away you complain about it and say why I shouldn't get it. I need to up my game financially, cause no one's going to rescue me. Things are changing rapidly here, and I need to do the best I can or I'm going to end up fucking homeless.
Why must you put down things I want? I can't even buy a fucking scented candle without feeling guilty that I should put that $10 towards my household bills.
Why do you judge my friend so much on his appearance after telling me for years that its whats inside that counts?!!!!!!!! My friend have been so good to me since he's been here, and he doesn't give me any shit, and he's been here 5 1/2 years and he's not sick of me yet! He actually helps me when I'm in pain! Imagine that! You, nor other people who claimed they loved me only criticised me when I'm in pain, and my friend brings me tea, brings me a foot bath, tucks me in, rubs my back and helps talk me through things when I can't cope. Is that so bloody awful?! Can you not stand it that someone's being nice to me?
Why, oh why did you have to say over and over that this latest health issue was arthritis and you wouldn't let me talk and explain, but just kept interrupting me and saying "is it arthritis? is it arthritis?"....... so now we know its not arthritis, and now you have nothing to say?!!
Why don't you want me to be in a relationship? Do you have any clue how much I really miss being loved? How much I miss loving someone? How much I wish I had someone to cuddle into at night? Let alone to go out and enjoy myself with. Someone who would actually take me out of house and buy me dinner? Is that so awful? Someone to help support me, cause even if you hate to admit it, I need support. I need emotional, spiritual, physical and financial support. I don't have it. I'm afraid to even seek it. Why? Because of you and your judgements!
My heart is breaking into little pieces because my best friend is dying and you don't care about that either!
I can't just pick up the phone and call you, cause you don't listen to me. You argue with your partner, or are watching a tv show, or on the computer, or there's people there or whatever. You stay on the phone even when I say I can tell you're busy I'll just go, but you don't pay attention to me. Why..
Sometimes all I can do is sit and space out from all this hurt. I hear your voice being mean. I hear you saying things to me from the past, over and over, with such utter disgust in your voice. I re-live the time you slapped my face at the gym. I re-read the email you sent me two days after my life and my daughter's life was threatened, when we flew to the other side of the country to be safe, when you told me you were going through your own shit, and were sorry you didn't feel very sympathetic to my situation. I re-hear the words you said when I told you I was going to become a mother. I hear you complaining about my weight at various ages in my life. I hear you telling me "why can't you be more like "...."....IT WON'T STOP!!!!!!!!! I wish it would fucking stop. But short of a lobotomy, I don't know how. I've been in therapy for 25 years and this stuff still doesn't stop!!!!!!!
I also don't know why this bothers me so much. Why I haven't learned by now that this is the way it is. This is the way you are. Things are never going to change.
So how do I purge this? How do I deal with it?
I'm back in therapy. I'm sick again.
I keep all this bottled up, and sometimes its gotta spew.
And I can't talk to you, because, somehow, you'll make this about you.
How you've been so hard done by, and did the best you can, and how hard it was, and how horrible you were and all that stuff, not ONCE acknowledging my pain. Not ONCE.
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