I Can't Take It Anymore! I Won't ! I Won't!
I used to have a little keychain with a pink fluffy guy on it, that if you whacked him on a hard surface, that's what he'd say. I feel like that today. For the last 3 mornings I've been having conversations with her in my head first thing when I wake up. I've dreamed about her too. I've dreamed she's feeling great, and we were hanging out, having all the fun we used to have before this horrible thing started happenning. There were times my anxious self had convinced me she didn't want to be my friend anymore in the past: When she had a gf, when she spent a lot of time online with a man, and when she hung out with this other person for a while, but really, it was still fine between us, even though I had twinges of jealousy, and twinges of feeling like I wasn't good enough, because I didn't have the means financially to give her things I wanted to, while I watched them lavish her with gifts. I had to remind myself that my unconditional love for her was worth more.
Unconditional Love.
Does anyone really know what that means? Most people love with conditions and expectations, and when you no longer meet them, they don't love you anymore. Just explains to me plainly that for most people, love is not about the other person at all, love is selfish. Love is about what the other person wants from me, or wants to do to me, or expects from me. Love is about manipulation, lies, guilt and control instead of trust, freedom, respect and honesty.
When I went back to work this summer, that's when we started drifting apart. That's when I could no longer just rush over to her at the drop of a hat because I was at work. Coping with my multiple illnesses, and trying to keep my job was wearing me out. My job was wearing me down physically and emotionally. Not the job, so much, because I love my job, but the environment I worked in. It was stifling hot and humid in the building. It was making me stupid, forgetful, brain-fogged, sluggish, exhausted, jumpy and crabby as hell. I had angry rages, and fits of crying. I wasn't fit at all. Not fit for anyone. The only days I went to see her while I was back to work were on Mondays. I gave up all my Mondays for 12 weeks to go see her. Except for one, the day I took my daughter to see the opening of a local restored lighthouse. I realized summer was really slipping away fast and I had spent every day off at my sick friend's. In two weeks, my daughter would be back to school. It was time for us to have a mother and daughter day. Just one day all summer.
When she was first diagnosed, I was very troubled by the medical profession's lack of empathy and care for her. She has multiple diagnoses, and its complicated. To make a very long story short, They released her from the hospital, and she went back in numerous times, only to be released again with a "we can't do anything for you". They referred her to specialists 7 months ago, and she still hasn't received an appointment. She's tried some treatments, only to have them not work, or interfere with other health issues. She's wasting away, and dying, and this is a tragedy which is unforgiveable in our country.
As two aspects of her complicated diagnoses involve the gastrointestinal system, I researched what would help heal her inflamed stomach and intestines and not be too fatty for the gallbladder, or not be too high glucose as she's diabetic, and not be too high fiber because she couldn't digest that, and what would be ph balanced and I came up with some smoothie recipes and offered to make them for her. No go. She refused. Saying "yuck".
(Now, I don't have a degree in nutrition, but I do know a fair lot having been on diets the last 40 years, and trying to figure out WHY my body insists on keeping me fat despite all my best efforts to not be fat. I would have been a good candidate for gastric surgery 15 years ago perhaps, and saved myself the misery. Anyway, this isn't about me, its about her.)
She was getting more and more dehydrated. Her sugars were all over the place. She couldn't keep anything down. I offered to take her to the ER for fluids. She wouldn't go, didn't want to risk infection from the IV, which had happened a month ago, and took a month to heal because of the diabetes. She refused help.
She was prescribed medical mj which her husband's medical plan didn't cover. She was getting weaker, and needed help around the house. She couldn't cook for her family. I offered to organize a fundraiser, and she refused.
Along comes "Madam" and insists on creating a work roster for people to do housecleaning, cooking, and taking her sons out for recreation. Madam puts a big judgy speech at the beginning of her work roster, and then gets pissy when no one reports their efforts on it. Madam writes another judging, hateful, using God as an excuse to be judgy speech and no one responds. Madam has the nerve to ask her if I would be offended by it! .... hell, a person would have to be made of stone to not be offended!!
Those of us who pitched in a did a few things for her during this time do not have leisurefull lives and Madam's husband's money. We can't just drop everything at a drop of the hat and do her bidding. Those were high expectations. We are self-employed, single-parents, with children of various ages, and aging parents. We have to put our families, and our work first. And should I also point out, our health. Three of us suffer with depression, and one of us has a husband in a special-care home. One of us has a husband who has bipolar disorder, and she is also the one with aging parents. They are in their 90's. Due to the pain because of the calcified cyst under my kneecap, I can't get my own housework done, how am I supposed to do yours too?
Then, there was the day I felt the FIRST cut of the knife. You introduced me to your father and half-sister as "your good friend".
For 15 years, I have been your best friend. I have stuck by you through all your things. The fiasco that was your 'relationship' with A, your mother's indifference to you, R's emotional manipulation, financial and verbal abuse, your coming out as bisexual, K's dismissal and putting your needs second after her ex-husband's, all the rollercoaster bullshit that went on with M... need I go on? I stood by you, and listened to you, and held you while you cried. I gave you my heart like you were my own flesh and blood real life sister. The many times neither one of us was up to visiting in person, and we spent literally hours online together.
I keep thinking about the time I stuck up for you with Madam, and she sent you a really seething hateful message directed towards me at 3 in the fucking morning. What was she thinking to send you that at 3 in the morning and wake you up and upset you? What kind of best friend does that? Why the fuck did she say I put my oar in *her* boat?!! I replied with, "my oar is in YOUR boat". But not as far as Madam is concerned. What a stupid, selfish thing to say, when I was sticking up for you, and reminding her how hard that would be for you. And then you get angry at me for sticking up for you??
SECOND CUT. A little deeper this time, with a serated edge twist for good measure.
I've warned you over and over that Madam is only in this for her own gain, and its as plain as anything, but you don't see it, even though others can. She wants to be your hero. She wants all the glory. She wants to say she was the one who stuck by you with a gleam in her eye on her smug face, shouting "Praise The Lord! Praise The Lord".
Right, I don't think your Lord thought much of you wanting to tell me to fuck myself, Madam.
You were having meltdowns, you were refusing visits. You were self-harming and you needed help. But no, you would not accept help. Again. Again, I suggest a fundraiser. I mistakenly suggested a dinner fundraiser. Dinner and silent auction. (People gotta eat, even if you can't right now. )
Good Gods. I wish I could take that back. The sarcasm and tone of disgust that came out of your mouth hurt me deeply. Here I am trying to help you, and ....oh my.. *sigh*..
I hadn't heard from you in a while, I knew you were dealing the best you could, and you didn't have the stamina to spend much time online. At some point, I gave you my new phone number, but you never called me or texted me. I tried to convince myself it was because of your sickness, and not because Madam had taken my place.
I visited you one day and you told me not to talk about things or post on social media the things that would offend you. I also wasn't to discuss my displeasure with Madam, as "she shows up, she's always there, she's stuck around, she's in my corner"....right, but she sent you a disturbing message directed towards me at 3am which woke you up and upset you and that's somehow MY fault for sticking up for you? OH REALLY? and who the fuck was in your corner for 15 years, my dear.
TWIST goes that knife again.. I cried a lot about this, I was sooo sad that you couldn't see how I was sticking up for you.
Then... came your huge post on facebook about a month ago, about how people you thought were close good friends had abandoned you. I read that 3 times, and I cried myself to sleep. I even saved it. I tried to write a reply. And I argued with myself over and over that I didn't have to justify anything to you. I argued with myself that no matter what I said in an attempt to stick up for myself, you and/or Madam would take my words and twist them into an entirely different meaning, so what was the point of even trying.
You've been staying off social media because you've been seeing that someone's been doing things, and going to Amherst, and driving past your house and not stopping for a visit.
----Gee, was that the day I taught a spinning class, even though I was having knee pain? Because I signed up to do it in January, before the injury happenned. And I'm putting myself out there, trying to get out from this cycle of poverty I live in because I don't have a man to support me! And then after my class, I went to the Superstore via Albion Street to get dog food, get myself a bite to eat so I could take some medicine, and get back downtown in time for the opening of the festival, and then a fiber arts exhibit, which I hoped to network with the presenters, and be involved in next year? When exactly did you expect me to stop at your house? I was freaking exhausted and in pain, and don't you usually go to bed around 7pm? You know I don't like driving in the dark, and I don't like driving in the dark across the marsh when its windy even less. So, when, exactly, did you expect me to stop at your house for a visit?
You don't want to see people's food on social media.
Ok, I get that. I didn't post my Thanksgiving seitan I made from scratch for the very first time for that very reason, so I wouldn't offend YOU.
But then I saw this pretty Christmas pie, and it made me think of my mother. And I wanted to share it with my daughter, and maybe we could make one for Xmas. We don't get a lot of material things at Christmas, its a struggle for us financially. We have no family who visits us. I forgot for a moment, and I was selfish.
Sorry I posted the goddam pie.
Nope, I don't think you're overrun with visits. Not in the slightest.
I can't help someone who won't accept help.
You repeatedly refused my help.
You repeatedly hurt me, which I am trying very hard to not take personally, because YES, YOU ARE DYING and my emotional and physical pain doesn't matter, cause its ALL ABOUT YOU right now.
I don't know what to do to help you.
I don't know what to say that won't offend you.
I can't bear the pain of being emotionally hurt by you either, I'm sorry I have my own ptsd, depression, low self-esteem and abandonment issues to deal with. I'm like a cat on a hot tin roof right now, and I think for both of our sanity I had better keep to myself. I'm not well, I can't deal and I cry a lot.
This keeps me awake nights, making me cry, and waking me up early in the morning. I am angry at the medical profession, our lack of caring, properly funded medical professionals, and I'm having flashbacks to my brother's death. So much of this reminds me of my brother's death. Reminds me of Dad's death too.
My misery and unhappiness is sapping my creative energy, and making me impossible to be around. I don't have many friends as it is, so I don't want to drive the few I have away from me.
I have lost my best friend and confidante.
Unconditional Love.
Does anyone really know what that means? Most people love with conditions and expectations, and when you no longer meet them, they don't love you anymore. Just explains to me plainly that for most people, love is not about the other person at all, love is selfish. Love is about what the other person wants from me, or wants to do to me, or expects from me. Love is about manipulation, lies, guilt and control instead of trust, freedom, respect and honesty.
When I went back to work this summer, that's when we started drifting apart. That's when I could no longer just rush over to her at the drop of a hat because I was at work. Coping with my multiple illnesses, and trying to keep my job was wearing me out. My job was wearing me down physically and emotionally. Not the job, so much, because I love my job, but the environment I worked in. It was stifling hot and humid in the building. It was making me stupid, forgetful, brain-fogged, sluggish, exhausted, jumpy and crabby as hell. I had angry rages, and fits of crying. I wasn't fit at all. Not fit for anyone. The only days I went to see her while I was back to work were on Mondays. I gave up all my Mondays for 12 weeks to go see her. Except for one, the day I took my daughter to see the opening of a local restored lighthouse. I realized summer was really slipping away fast and I had spent every day off at my sick friend's. In two weeks, my daughter would be back to school. It was time for us to have a mother and daughter day. Just one day all summer.
When she was first diagnosed, I was very troubled by the medical profession's lack of empathy and care for her. She has multiple diagnoses, and its complicated. To make a very long story short, They released her from the hospital, and she went back in numerous times, only to be released again with a "we can't do anything for you". They referred her to specialists 7 months ago, and she still hasn't received an appointment. She's tried some treatments, only to have them not work, or interfere with other health issues. She's wasting away, and dying, and this is a tragedy which is unforgiveable in our country.
As two aspects of her complicated diagnoses involve the gastrointestinal system, I researched what would help heal her inflamed stomach and intestines and not be too fatty for the gallbladder, or not be too high glucose as she's diabetic, and not be too high fiber because she couldn't digest that, and what would be ph balanced and I came up with some smoothie recipes and offered to make them for her. No go. She refused. Saying "yuck".
(Now, I don't have a degree in nutrition, but I do know a fair lot having been on diets the last 40 years, and trying to figure out WHY my body insists on keeping me fat despite all my best efforts to not be fat. I would have been a good candidate for gastric surgery 15 years ago perhaps, and saved myself the misery. Anyway, this isn't about me, its about her.)
She was getting more and more dehydrated. Her sugars were all over the place. She couldn't keep anything down. I offered to take her to the ER for fluids. She wouldn't go, didn't want to risk infection from the IV, which had happened a month ago, and took a month to heal because of the diabetes. She refused help.
She was prescribed medical mj which her husband's medical plan didn't cover. She was getting weaker, and needed help around the house. She couldn't cook for her family. I offered to organize a fundraiser, and she refused.
Along comes "Madam" and insists on creating a work roster for people to do housecleaning, cooking, and taking her sons out for recreation. Madam puts a big judgy speech at the beginning of her work roster, and then gets pissy when no one reports their efforts on it. Madam writes another judging, hateful, using God as an excuse to be judgy speech and no one responds. Madam has the nerve to ask her if I would be offended by it! .... hell, a person would have to be made of stone to not be offended!!
Those of us who pitched in a did a few things for her during this time do not have leisurefull lives and Madam's husband's money. We can't just drop everything at a drop of the hat and do her bidding. Those were high expectations. We are self-employed, single-parents, with children of various ages, and aging parents. We have to put our families, and our work first. And should I also point out, our health. Three of us suffer with depression, and one of us has a husband in a special-care home. One of us has a husband who has bipolar disorder, and she is also the one with aging parents. They are in their 90's. Due to the pain because of the calcified cyst under my kneecap, I can't get my own housework done, how am I supposed to do yours too?
Then, there was the day I felt the FIRST cut of the knife. You introduced me to your father and half-sister as "your good friend".
For 15 years, I have been your best friend. I have stuck by you through all your things. The fiasco that was your 'relationship' with A, your mother's indifference to you, R's emotional manipulation, financial and verbal abuse, your coming out as bisexual, K's dismissal and putting your needs second after her ex-husband's, all the rollercoaster bullshit that went on with M... need I go on? I stood by you, and listened to you, and held you while you cried. I gave you my heart like you were my own flesh and blood real life sister. The many times neither one of us was up to visiting in person, and we spent literally hours online together.
I keep thinking about the time I stuck up for you with Madam, and she sent you a really seething hateful message directed towards me at 3 in the fucking morning. What was she thinking to send you that at 3 in the morning and wake you up and upset you? What kind of best friend does that? Why the fuck did she say I put my oar in *her* boat?!! I replied with, "my oar is in YOUR boat". But not as far as Madam is concerned. What a stupid, selfish thing to say, when I was sticking up for you, and reminding her how hard that would be for you. And then you get angry at me for sticking up for you??
SECOND CUT. A little deeper this time, with a serated edge twist for good measure.
I've warned you over and over that Madam is only in this for her own gain, and its as plain as anything, but you don't see it, even though others can. She wants to be your hero. She wants all the glory. She wants to say she was the one who stuck by you with a gleam in her eye on her smug face, shouting "Praise The Lord! Praise The Lord".
Right, I don't think your Lord thought much of you wanting to tell me to fuck myself, Madam.
You were having meltdowns, you were refusing visits. You were self-harming and you needed help. But no, you would not accept help. Again. Again, I suggest a fundraiser. I mistakenly suggested a dinner fundraiser. Dinner and silent auction. (People gotta eat, even if you can't right now. )
Good Gods. I wish I could take that back. The sarcasm and tone of disgust that came out of your mouth hurt me deeply. Here I am trying to help you, and ....oh my.. *sigh*..
I hadn't heard from you in a while, I knew you were dealing the best you could, and you didn't have the stamina to spend much time online. At some point, I gave you my new phone number, but you never called me or texted me. I tried to convince myself it was because of your sickness, and not because Madam had taken my place.
I visited you one day and you told me not to talk about things or post on social media the things that would offend you. I also wasn't to discuss my displeasure with Madam, as "she shows up, she's always there, she's stuck around, she's in my corner"....right, but she sent you a disturbing message directed towards me at 3am which woke you up and upset you and that's somehow MY fault for sticking up for you? OH REALLY? and who the fuck was in your corner for 15 years, my dear.
TWIST goes that knife again.. I cried a lot about this, I was sooo sad that you couldn't see how I was sticking up for you.
Then... came your huge post on facebook about a month ago, about how people you thought were close good friends had abandoned you. I read that 3 times, and I cried myself to sleep. I even saved it. I tried to write a reply. And I argued with myself over and over that I didn't have to justify anything to you. I argued with myself that no matter what I said in an attempt to stick up for myself, you and/or Madam would take my words and twist them into an entirely different meaning, so what was the point of even trying.
You've been staying off social media because you've been seeing that someone's been doing things, and going to Amherst, and driving past your house and not stopping for a visit.
----Gee, was that the day I taught a spinning class, even though I was having knee pain? Because I signed up to do it in January, before the injury happenned. And I'm putting myself out there, trying to get out from this cycle of poverty I live in because I don't have a man to support me! And then after my class, I went to the Superstore via Albion Street to get dog food, get myself a bite to eat so I could take some medicine, and get back downtown in time for the opening of the festival, and then a fiber arts exhibit, which I hoped to network with the presenters, and be involved in next year? When exactly did you expect me to stop at your house? I was freaking exhausted and in pain, and don't you usually go to bed around 7pm? You know I don't like driving in the dark, and I don't like driving in the dark across the marsh when its windy even less. So, when, exactly, did you expect me to stop at your house for a visit?
You don't want to see people's food on social media.
Ok, I get that. I didn't post my Thanksgiving seitan I made from scratch for the very first time for that very reason, so I wouldn't offend YOU.
But then I saw this pretty Christmas pie, and it made me think of my mother. And I wanted to share it with my daughter, and maybe we could make one for Xmas. We don't get a lot of material things at Christmas, its a struggle for us financially. We have no family who visits us. I forgot for a moment, and I was selfish.
Sorry I posted the goddam pie.
Nope, I don't think you're overrun with visits. Not in the slightest.
I can't help someone who won't accept help.
You repeatedly refused my help.
You repeatedly hurt me, which I am trying very hard to not take personally, because YES, YOU ARE DYING and my emotional and physical pain doesn't matter, cause its ALL ABOUT YOU right now.
I don't know what to do to help you.
I don't know what to say that won't offend you.
I can't bear the pain of being emotionally hurt by you either, I'm sorry I have my own ptsd, depression, low self-esteem and abandonment issues to deal with. I'm like a cat on a hot tin roof right now, and I think for both of our sanity I had better keep to myself. I'm not well, I can't deal and I cry a lot.
This keeps me awake nights, making me cry, and waking me up early in the morning. I am angry at the medical profession, our lack of caring, properly funded medical professionals, and I'm having flashbacks to my brother's death. So much of this reminds me of my brother's death. Reminds me of Dad's death too.
My misery and unhappiness is sapping my creative energy, and making me impossible to be around. I don't have many friends as it is, so I don't want to drive the few I have away from me.
I have lost my best friend and confidante.
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