Suicidal Thoughts

I should die because I really don't deserve to live. I'm a shitty mother. So shitty a mother, that my daughter decided to call Social Services and tell them we had no heat in the house, that the ceiling fell in the kitchen and tell them that my mental illness is preventing her from going to university in the fall.

Also, I don't deserve pain relief. I'm so fed up with the pain in the knees and no one giving a damn enough to help me with it. And my mother laughed when I told her both knees hurt today.

I'm sick of being inadequate, and not having enough money to live on properly.

I'm sick of trying so damn hard, only to not be appreciated and not get anywhere.

Last night, I considered taking both my entire bottles of anti-depressants and blood pressure meds. cause who gives a fuck? No one. I am the underfunded cash cow.

Today, after dropping my unappreciative daughter off to her saxophone lesson, after giving her the $40 Mom gave me for my birthday, I thought about either driving my car into a brick building, or driving it off the cliff at the beach. But I couldn't decide which option would 1.  kill me instantly,  and  2. be less of a mess to clean up for whoever had to do that.

So here I am considering the pills again. She's in bed. He's in bed. Who the fuck cares? She wouldn't have to worry about the underfunded low-life embarrassment of a mother, and he wouldn't have anyone bugging him for rent money.


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