such a loser

Cause i'm useless and no one cares.
People making decisions for me without even asking me, without even considering how i'd feel about it. ?And i think one of them just wants to eliminate my position altogether

Went to the memorial, hardly anyone spoke to me. i've worked for the organization for 14 years, and i'm still an outsider, nobody talks to me, nobody  cares

i'm tired
-of being overlooked and forgotten about
- trying so hard and no one notices
- my mother having no empathy for me whatsoever
-of living in a place where i have no real friends

-of being poor, and not being able to live my life the way i want to and do the things i want to do
-of not feeling like i'm somewhere where i belong
-of not being loved, or touched. why do i have to be so hideous that i don't deserve love - why couldn't i be thin and beautiful, and be able to afford to dress nice --- why are all the men disrespectful arseholes

of having this beautiful house i can't afford to fix up
of calling repair people who don't show up
of having the lawnmower guy rip me off

of being stranded without a car, and it looks like i can't afford one now at $3500, there's nothing out there for $1500
? really.

i just feel like such a loser

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Weighted Blankets, etc

 Having a super bad pain day today. The kind that makes me feel useless and feel like I will never be useful again. The kind of day where I need help, and I hate asking for it. The kind of day where I know why old people are grumpy, if they are in this much pain every single day, then its no bloody wonder they're grumpy. Current pain level as I write this, is about a 5 or 6, but this morning, it was more like 7-8. List of complaints for the day:  I feel like my knees are made of glass, and my left knee is swollen Lower back where I twisted my spine: feels how I would imagine the tin man in the Wizard of Oz, and he needs some oil on his joints. Bending is painful, and add the glass feeling there too. Upper back from shoulder blades up is stiff, shoulders and neck are stiff, arms from elbows to wrists  hurt, hands from knuckles to fingertips hurt. I probably shouldn't be typing, but I need to purge my addled brain, as I woke up thinking about this, and hamster was having a ...
Read more

Of drama queens, cabbages and kings

It has come to my attention that I supposedly posted "something negative about the Society"  on the auction. I do not recall doing such a thing. Furthermore, Why would I? This will be my 16th summer at SJ. In all those years, I have loved working there, learning so much from B, and representing the Society at dozens of paid and unpaid venues. As you know, I work very hard at what I do, and I work a lot of unpaid hours gathering material, researching information, learning new techniques, work prep and our fb page. Wherever I go, when appropriate of course, I tell people about our place and what we do.    I'm rather insulted that "someone" would say such a thing. Why didn't this "someone" talk to me directly about this? At the time it happened? Instead of this "someone told someone, that someone told someone and that someone told me" junior high school foolishness. If that "someone" is referring to my conversation with PKP about t...
Read more

Thoughts On Being Alone and Unloveable

 Two weeks ago I had to go for an endometrial biopsy. This is the second one I've had. The last one was 5 years ago. For some reason this time the whole experience hit me harder, because I had no one to hug me after. To make matters worse, my OBGYN had a student working with her that day, and the student was not gentle with the speculum. It hurt, I cried and I bled for two days afterwards. I cried like a baby and I wanted my mom. I sat in my car shaking a bit for quite a while, tears streaming down my face, wishing I wasn't alone. I have no best girl friend, and no one to comfort me. I feel so alone these days. I try to tell myself that this is how it has to be. Being alone has its benefits. Nobody around to shame me, ridicule me, get in my face and put me down. No one here telling me what to do and how and when I should do it. I'm in control of my own time and what I do with it, and that's how I like it. But dammit, that day I just needed someone to hold me. Is that so...
Read more